


Gilderoy Lockhart Is A Dick (But His Dickery Has Some Interesting Results)

by dduucckk



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Muggle, Cheating, Crack Fic, Fluff, Funny, I would never, M/M, Sex Jokes, but r & s aren't cheating on each other don't worry, which isn't super on brand for me but it happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:26:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24840769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dduucckk/pseuds/dduucckk
Summary: When Remus finds out Gilderoy is cheating on him, the next thing he has to do is find out who he's cheating with. And if that person happens to be Sirius Black, well, Remus is okay with that.Based off of the joke me and my sister have about Legend of Korra: both of Mako's girlfriends leave him for each other.
Relationships: Gilderoy Lockhart/Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Gilderoy Lockhart, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 22
Kudos: 231





	Gilderoy Lockhart Is A Dick (But His Dickery Has Some Interesting Results)

_I’m not going to be able to make it to dinner tonight. Something came up. See you tomorrow_

Remus sighed. Something always came up. He had been dating Gilderoy for about six months now, and although it had started out great, Remus was beginning to wonder if maybe he should call it off now, before he got any more invested in the relationship than he already was. He typed out a quick reply ( ** _ok, no worries, see you tomorrow_** ), put his phone back in his pocket, and started planning out his evening in his head now that his date was cancelled.

His bus would pass a pizza place soon, maybe he could get off there instead of two stops later. He’d have to walk the rest of the way home, but the weather wasn’t too bad. It was threatening to rain, but he could avoid it if he walked fast enough.

The bus stopped in front of the pizza place, and Remus stepped off, considering his TV options. He hadn’t watched Pride and Prejudice in a while. And Colin Firth as Mr Darcy was something he would never miss an opportunity to see. Remus ordered his pizza and sat down at a booth to wait. He took out his phone and texted Lily, hoping that she wasn’t busy studying. She liked Colin Firth quite a bit as well.

It didn’t take too long before his pizza was done, and as he was leaving, pizza in one hand and phone in the other, someone opened the door hard enough to hit him and almost definitely leave a bruise. Remus rubbed his forehead and looked up, ready to give a lecture on how people should _look_ before throwing doors open like that, or they might hurt innocent civilians. (Never mind that he hadn’t been paying attention. Remus was well aware that he was a bit of a hypocrite, but he wouldn’t let it get in the way of his righteous anger.)

The words died on his lips, however, when he saw the man who had bruised his head (and ego. Remus was sure he had made an embarrassing noise when the door made contact).

“Gilderoy? What the fuck are you doing here?”

Gilderoy shifted uncomfortably. “Hey, Remus. I’m, uh. Here for a business meeting.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “A business meeting?”

“Yeah. This is….my business partner.”

Remus barely spared a glance for the man behind Gilderoy, although judging from that one glance, Remus might like to take a few more. But now was not the time.

“Gil, you don’t have a business.”

“Business _school_ , Rem. Obviously.”

“Yeah, obviously.” Remus was more than a little suspicious of this whole thing, but he decided to let it go for now. He really just wanted to go home, eat pizza, and watch a period drama with his best friend. Was that too much to ask? No, Remus decided, it wasn’t.

“Okay Gil, I have to go. You have fun with your….business school meeting.”

Remus left the store without waiting for an answer.

“Business school meeting? Really? He’s a bad liar, Moony.”

“Yup.”

Remus and Lily were sitting on the floor of his room, the empty pizza box between them.

“Remus?”

“Yeah?”

“How upset are you about this? You know he’s probably cheating on you, right?”

“Oh, he’s almost definitely cheating on me. And honestly? I’m not as upset as I should be.”

“What are you going to do about it?”

“I guess I’ll have to break up with him.”

“Of course you’ll have to break up with him. I don’t care how gorgeous he is, or how good he is in bed, you have to break up with him if he really is cheating on you.”

“He’s really not that good.”

“Hm?”

“In bed.”

Lily cackled. Really, properly cackled. Like a witch. “Oh my god, Remus! Really?”

“Yeah, I’m not sure why I stayed with him as long as I did. He’s not that interesting, and the sex is mediocre at best.”

“I thought it must be pretty good if you dated him for six months! Six fucking months, Remus! What the fuck?”

When Lily finally stopped laughing, she said, “Do you know the guy he’s cheating with?”

“Nope. He’s gorgeous though. I’d fuck him, given the chance.”

Lily snorted. “Let’s hope he’s better than Gilderoy.”

Remus grinned. “Maybe I’ll find out someday.”

“Hey, Lupin!”

“Hey, Potter, how’s it going?”

“Not bad, not bad. Has Lily said anything about me?”

“Are you sure you want to hear what she’s said about you?”

“Come on, Lupin! Please?”

“Nah, I don’t think I’ll say anything. This is more fun.”

“Oh, fuck you.”

Lily had a crush on a guy named James Potter. James Potter shared exactly one class with Remus, but he spent most of it bombarding Remus with questions about Lily. The two of them had met when Lily had come to pick Remus up after class a few months previously, and they had been flirting ever since. Privately, Remus thought they should have got past this stage and into an actual relationship by now, but he hadn’t said anything to either of them. Their flirting was almost amusing to watch.

It was because of Lily’s crush on James that Remus found out who Gilderoy was cheating on him with.

A few days after he ran into Gilderoy at the pizza place (a few days during which Remus had neither seen nor heard from his boyfriend, but he didn’t really care. He’d text him eventually), Remus was at Lily’s house, half asleep on her shoulder while some shitty movie played on the TV and she scrolled through her Instagram. She paused her scrolling to stare dreamily at a picture of James with a few members of his rugby team, and Remus noticed something familiar about one of the boys.

“Lily, I think that might be the guy Gil is cheating with.”

“Who, Potter? I hope not.”

“What? No! No, the guy next to him. Not the blonde one, the one with black hair.”

“Oh, _him_. Damn Remus, he’s hot.”

“I know. I can’t really blame Gil for cheating, honestly. What’s this guy’s name?”

Lily tapped on the account tagged in the picture. “Sirius Black.”

“Oh! James has talked about him! They’re like, best friend brothers or some shit. I wonder if he can introduce us.”

“Remus. this guy is literally helping your boyfriend cheat on you. He’s not someone you want to date.”

“Lily. Look at him.”

And that’s how Remus ended up in a very fancy neighbourhood, double checking the address James had sent him, and using a door knocker shaped like a lion’s head to knock on a very imposing door.

James threw the door open wide, greeting Remus with a grin and immediately asking about Lily. “How is she doing, Lupin? Is she surviving without me?”

“She hasn’t spent enough time with you to struggle without you, Potter. Can I come in? I need to talk to Black.”

“Sure, sure. He’s just in his room, I’ll take you up. What do you need him for?”

“Um….it’s kind of a weird story. But I’ll tell you after I talk to him, ok?”

“Okay. You’re a strange one, Lupin.”

Remus laughed. “Thanks, Potter.”

As they talked, they had climbed the stairs to the third floor and were now standing in front of a door. This one was much less threatening than the front door, for which Remus was thankful. James rapped on the wood with his knuckles.

“Padfoot, someone’s here to see you!”

Remus heard movement from inside the room, and footsteps approached the door. A voice could be heard cursing and grumbling, and James gave Remus an apologetic look.

“He might be a bit grumpy. We had a late night last night, and as far as I know, he just got up.”

“It’s four in the afternoon!”

“He likes his sleep.”

The door opened, and Sirius Black poked his head out. “What the fuck do you want, Prongs?”

“It’s what this bloke wants, actually,” James said, pointing to Remus, “and he won’t tell me about it.”

Sirius looked over at Remus and his eyes went wide. “You’re the guy from the pizza place! Gil’s ex, right?”

“Gil’s _what_?”

“His ex?” Sirius was starting to sound unsure.

James giggled. Fucking giggled. Remus couldn’t believe it. He was a perfect match for Lily, with weird laughs at vaguely inappropriate moments. “I’m going to leave you guys to it. But I expect the full story from both of you, because this sounds amazing.” He went back down the stairs, and Remus could hear him giggling the whole time. Sirius opened his bedroom door a little wider and stepped aside to let Remus in.

The room was slightly messy, with a pile of clothes in one corner, but the big window facing the backyard made it bright and pleasant, and Remus immediately felt comfortable. He looked at Sirius, who was still standing by the door in flannel pyjama pants and an old kidz bop t-shirt. His hair was in two french braids that just barely brushed his shoulders, and a few pieces had fallen out as he slept. He looked utterly adorable.

Remus focused on a spot just above Sirius’s left shoulder and said, “Explain.”

“Explain what?” Sirius slammed the door shut.

“What were you doing at the pizza place, and what gave you the impression that I’m Gilderoy’s ex?”

“When I asked why he said I was someone from school, he told me that you’re his ex, and that you’re weird and jealous and he didn’t want to deal with it.”

“Why were you at the pizza place?”

“We were on a date!”

“I fucking knew it!”

“You know you’re being creepy, right? He’s your ex, get over it. You didn’t have to stalk me.”

“He’s my _boyfriend_ , you idiot.”

Sirius’s eyes widened and he took a tiny step back. “I’m sorry, _what_?”

“I’m his boyfriend. We’ve been dating for six months.”

“Fuck.” Sirius sat down on the bed and tried to run his hands through his hair, apparently forgetting about the braids. “Fuck, I’m—I’m so sorry. I didn’t know, I honestly didn’t. I never would have—fuck.” He pulled the hair ties off the ends of his braids and ran his fingers through them, shaking them out until his hair fell around his face, long and wavy and beautiful. “That wasn’t even the first date. _Fuck_!”

Remus sat down next to Sirius. “It’s honestly not that big a deal. I was thinking about breaking up with him anyway. This just means he won’t take the same hit to the ego that he would have if I told him he’s a pretentious bore and absolute shit in bed.”

Sirius snorted. “He is. Both of those things.”

Remus grinned. Sirius looked at him, then quickly looked down at his own hands. “I dated him for almost two months. I can’t fucking believe….how did he never tell me? How did I never figure it out? I thought I was smart!”

“ _That’s_ what you’re worried about right now? Whether this reflects badly on your intelligence?”

Sirius shrugged. “I guess I wasn’t that into him either.”

“Well, I’m glad neither of us are particularly hurt by this. I’m going to go break up with him.” Remus got up to go, but Sirius grabbed his wrist.

“Can you give me a few minutes to get dressed? I want to see the look on his face when we both show up to break up with him.”

Half an hour later, Sirius had texted Gilderoy, who had agreed to meet him for a “date” at a cafe a few blocks from Sirius’s house. Sirius had put on tight black jeans and a white t-shirt, and was now standing in front of his mirror, fixing his hair. Remus was sitting on the bed, trying very very hard not to stare at Sirius’s arse. It wasn’t an easy task.

“Anyone would think you’re going on an actual date,” Remus said teasingly.

Sirius ran the brush through his hair one last time, then picked up a hair tie from the nightstand. “I have to look my best, Remus. He needs to really know what he’s missing out on.” Sirius winked, and Remus felt his cheeks go pink. Sirius twisted his hair up into a bun, pinned up a few stray strands, then turned to Remus with a mischievous grin. “I’d like to see you all dressed up.”

“Wha—no. I don’t have anything with me!”

“You can borrow some of my clothes. We’re about the same size.” When Remus didn’t answer, Sirius added, “And imagine how funny it would be for you to show up in my clothes. He’ll know they’re not yours.”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Okay, fine. Just for the chance to see Gil’s face when he thinks we fucked.”

“See, now you get it!” Sirius dug into his closet and emerged with a pair of cuffed jeans (blue, not black, thank god) and— “A crop top? I’m not wearing a crop top, Black.”

“Please? The jeans are high waisted, you won’t even be showing that much skin.”

“Why is your wardrobe from the fucking eighties?”

Sirius grinned. “Why not? Come on, I swear I’ll never make you do this again. Just this once, please?”

It was his puppy dog eyes that broke Remus. “Fine,” he growled, “but you owe me.”

Sirius did a delighted little hop, and that alone was enough to make Remus slightly less grumpy as he took the clothes from Sirius.

They arrived at the coffee shop a few minutes early and took a table by the window, where they could see everyone who passed by. When Sirius saw Gilderoy, he waved enthusiastically, clearly enjoying the terrified look on his face when he saw Remus.

“This is gonna be good,” Sirius said.

Gilderoy approached their table slowly, probably trying to give himself time to figure out what to say. Once he reached them, however, Sirius spoke first.

“Hi Gil!” His expression was bright and cheery. “This is Remus, I don’t know if you know him? He’s your boyfriend.”

Gilderoy was silent, looking at Remus’s clothes, and Sirius had been right. Gilderoy knew these clothes were Sirius’s. Remus smirked and raised his eyebrows. Gilderoy was looking more and more flustered.

Sirius leaned towards Gilderoy and said, “See, here’s the thing. I thought _I_ was your boyfriend. But apparently I got it wrong?”

Gilderoy was still speechless. Remus, who was enjoying this far too much, spoke up. “You know, Gil, what people usually do when they want to date someone else while they’re in a relationship, is _end the relationship_. Did no one ever tell you that? Or did I just not realize you broke up with me?”

“And correct me if I’m wrong,” Sirius added, “but dating two people when neither of them know about the other and they’re definitely not going to be happy with it if they find out, is kind of a dick move. Right Remus?”

Remus nodded. “Right Sirius. And furthermore,” (Sirius giggled a bit at that and Remus kicked his leg under the table), “ _furthermore_ , neither of those two people should be expected to continue dating the first person once they find out. Have I covered everything, Sirius?”

“I think you have, Remus.”

“Excellent.” Remus turned to fully face Gilderoy. “So I guess what I’m trying to tell you—what we’re both trying to tell you, really,—is that we’re breaking up with you.”

Gilderoy’s face, which had been steadily getting redder and redder throughout the conversation, now bore a strong resemblance to a tomato. He sputtered, and stammered, and tried to get any words at all out of his mouth, but it seemed impossible.

“Bye-bye!” Sirius gave Gilderoy an overly sweet smile and a little wave, and Gilderoy stormed out of the cafe, leaving Remus and Sirius laughing so hard they could barely breathe. Once they could look at each other again without bursting into giggles, Sirius stood up.

“Coffee on me?”

“As long as you let me buy you dinner later.”

Sirius grinned. “It’s a date.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!! I hope you liked this fic, it was so much fun to write and is probably one of my favourites that I've written lol.
> 
> My tumblr is [dduucckk](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/dduucckk), if anyone wants to say hi over there!


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